I've written before about 'the rules' that Italians have for living life, but after being given a book recently by always-a-super-hero-Laura and now after dating an Italian for the last six months, I have an even greater perspective.
Book (title, Italians Dance While I'm a Wallflower): First impression, where were you 2 years ago when I was in desperate culture shock googling for books on adjusting to life in Italy and all I could find were rehabing farmhouses in Tuscany, cookbooks, and how to fall in love on the back of a scooter? And yes, this book had been published two years ago but has a super obscure unhelpful title for those in need.....Second impression, pissed - apparently a lot of my jokes and impressions are not that original, however I still have a few thoughts not noted by this Italian/American author......
America(n) Rules: At a recent dinner with Giorgio's family, Laura was regaling her parents with one of her favorite chapters called 'non se fa' or 'it's not done'. More on that in a second, but their father turned to me and said, "And what are some of your rules in America?" And I was stumped. So then I said, "La unica regola che abbiamo e che non abbiamo le regole" "The only rule we have is that we don't have rules", let freedom ring. But then I went home and thought, no there must be one I can think of - but nope (feel free to chime in here). And after some more jaunt-pondering I've concluded that at our core we are rule breakers, it is part of our founding on Revolution and why we get along so well with Australians (for reference a former penal colony, they really hate rules but have a better sense of humour). Within the same week, a Croatian colleague asked me about why we're so informal in the workplace - not in terms of dressing but in terms of hierarchy/greetings/relationships - and so I thought again. We chafe at the very idea, and are proud to scoff in the face, of rules, thinking we'll make our own, I mean have you seen what we built since 1776? So when you take an American who is used to rules-schmoolsing around and place them in Italy = chafe city
Le Regole: So we've discussed some Italian rules before that I learned soon after arrival like 1) no cappucicno (or any coffee with any large amount of milk) after lunch - remember your digestion is at stake; 2) no cheese with fish - yeah that means you scampi, don't even try it with the parmesan - because clearly cheese overtakes the flavour of the fish. I sometimes try to imagine an Italian eating tuna noodle casserole and explode into a fit of smirks; 3) no walking barefoot - even if you were just hanging clothes up to dry and were unwittingly locked out of your apartment, everyone will think your bare feet are a more desperate situation than your ability to enter your home, and so on. At the same time there's a lot of rules I learned that I can really get behind - 1) wine must be available at every dinner (check); 2) amaro aids digestion and must follow every meal (this includes limoncello, grappa, amaro, mirto and yes I do actually think fire liquid helps dissolve your meal and have really grown to like the taste); 3) you never have to damsel in distress because no matter what, you will always be allowed to walk through a door first (unless there is danger, then he will go first but just to check that it's ok for you to pass) and you don't have to make decisions if you don't want to or open any doors or basically do anything requiring manual labor. But I didn't realize that while I've been obediently obeying (and embracing some) Italian rules like any good culturally aware transplant - that I've been breaking so many others. I recently learned that it's unheard of in Italy to eat any meal - doesn't matter if you're by yourself and it's a weekday breakfast where you scarf down a coffee - you have to use a tablecloth, and worst case scenario a placemat, which fittingly in Italy they call "tovaglia americana" or American tablecloth. Seriously? You're lucky I sit down to drink my coffee in the morning versus walking to work with it in a to-go mug, and now you want me to put down a tablecloth? I also take offense at the use of 'American' to name a placemat. And I could go on with these types of rules.....but add to that dating rules, where I was really out of any familiar territory and sought immediate guidance. I thus received the following advice - 1) in Italy we don't date multiple people, as soon as you kiss someone you're going steady; 2) we don't meet someone's family until it's really serious, like you're getting married (both untrue but also unproven by me). Lucky for me, Giorgio somehow doesn't care much for the rules (he's even fine with me having a cappuccino after lunch, which I never do of course, but nice to know that I could), but this also means I continue to offend other Italians since he doesn't correct me, with my uncovered table and my browsing in shops (yes, you should know before you go in what you want, and if you dare to try things on without purchasing, prepare for an earful). One of the hardest things for me to comprehend is that these aren't just 'customs', like 'this is how we do it, but we know people do it another way'. No, these are facts. I quickly learned you can't argue these points, because to Italians there is a scientific basis for not drinking milk in your coffee after lunch or swimming in a lake; and when you think it's safe to have a fun cultural laugh - it's not, it will be like you're questioning the positioning of the sun (ahem Copernicus).
The Rule of (un)Law: What makes this all more funny (to me, not to Italians) is the fact that as strict as Italians are about cultural rules, there is a practically a cultural edit to get around the law. This takes many forms - 1) driving- which I've told you about before and how fun it can be as a transplant since apparently you don't have to learn the rules cause the whole point is to break them - good times, that is, until they're not; 2) taxes - you may have heard about Italy's financial woes, well it has a bit to do with the fact that Italians are very creative about paying them and not because they don't like obeying the law (they love rules!) but because they know their government isn't following the rules about how they use their taxes, so why should they willingly hand over their money. As further evidence I pay my rent of over 1000 euro per month in cash and have signed a contract saying I live here for free as a result of a new law requiring Italians to claim their income in more detail; 3) police - to shorten this story, I'll just give you two examples, Amanda Knox and the Monster of Florence, both of which (without talking about guilt) don't make me eager to deal with the Italian justice system.
So after pondering this, I found my answer - Italians are the fathers of the renaissance (science, art, fashion, etc.) and their traditions have made them who they are. Americans are the fathers of Revolution (yeah I went there) and freedom runs deep through the veins of all that we do (pls see Jell-O, Hamburger Helper, KrisKross, etc.). And yet - Italians have learned that survival means getting around the rules (laws) and Americans while we may cling to freedom, the one rule we have may be order (yeah, do not stand up before the plane has reached the gate; and yes, there is a line here) and while we might complain, for the most part we believe in the following and functioning of a system that we created by uprising. So to break it down for you = Italians love rules but don't follow laws; Americans don't believe in rules (acc)except when they are laws.
And with that, yes I recently bought some placemats and cringed when the stall owner called them American tablecloths.
Book (title, Italians Dance While I'm a Wallflower): First impression, where were you 2 years ago when I was in desperate culture shock googling for books on adjusting to life in Italy and all I could find were rehabing farmhouses in Tuscany, cookbooks, and how to fall in love on the back of a scooter? And yes, this book had been published two years ago but has a super obscure unhelpful title for those in need.....Second impression, pissed - apparently a lot of my jokes and impressions are not that original, however I still have a few thoughts not noted by this Italian/American author......
America(n) Rules: At a recent dinner with Giorgio's family, Laura was regaling her parents with one of her favorite chapters called 'non se fa' or 'it's not done'. More on that in a second, but their father turned to me and said, "And what are some of your rules in America?" And I was stumped. So then I said, "La unica regola che abbiamo e che non abbiamo le regole" "The only rule we have is that we don't have rules", let freedom ring. But then I went home and thought, no there must be one I can think of - but nope (feel free to chime in here). And after some more jaunt-pondering I've concluded that at our core we are rule breakers, it is part of our founding on Revolution and why we get along so well with Australians (for reference a former penal colony, they really hate rules but have a better sense of humour). Within the same week, a Croatian colleague asked me about why we're so informal in the workplace - not in terms of dressing but in terms of hierarchy/greetings/relationships - and so I thought again. We chafe at the very idea, and are proud to scoff in the face, of rules, thinking we'll make our own, I mean have you seen what we built since 1776? So when you take an American who is used to rules-schmoolsing around and place them in Italy = chafe city
Le Regole: So we've discussed some Italian rules before that I learned soon after arrival like 1) no cappucicno (or any coffee with any large amount of milk) after lunch - remember your digestion is at stake; 2) no cheese with fish - yeah that means you scampi, don't even try it with the parmesan - because clearly cheese overtakes the flavour of the fish. I sometimes try to imagine an Italian eating tuna noodle casserole and explode into a fit of smirks; 3) no walking barefoot - even if you were just hanging clothes up to dry and were unwittingly locked out of your apartment, everyone will think your bare feet are a more desperate situation than your ability to enter your home, and so on. At the same time there's a lot of rules I learned that I can really get behind - 1) wine must be available at every dinner (check); 2) amaro aids digestion and must follow every meal (this includes limoncello, grappa, amaro, mirto and yes I do actually think fire liquid helps dissolve your meal and have really grown to like the taste); 3) you never have to damsel in distress because no matter what, you will always be allowed to walk through a door first (unless there is danger, then he will go first but just to check that it's ok for you to pass) and you don't have to make decisions if you don't want to or open any doors or basically do anything requiring manual labor. But I didn't realize that while I've been obediently obeying (and embracing some) Italian rules like any good culturally aware transplant - that I've been breaking so many others. I recently learned that it's unheard of in Italy to eat any meal - doesn't matter if you're by yourself and it's a weekday breakfast where you scarf down a coffee - you have to use a tablecloth, and worst case scenario a placemat, which fittingly in Italy they call "tovaglia americana" or American tablecloth. Seriously? You're lucky I sit down to drink my coffee in the morning versus walking to work with it in a to-go mug, and now you want me to put down a tablecloth? I also take offense at the use of 'American' to name a placemat. And I could go on with these types of rules.....but add to that dating rules, where I was really out of any familiar territory and sought immediate guidance. I thus received the following advice - 1) in Italy we don't date multiple people, as soon as you kiss someone you're going steady; 2) we don't meet someone's family until it's really serious, like you're getting married (both untrue but also unproven by me). Lucky for me, Giorgio somehow doesn't care much for the rules (he's even fine with me having a cappuccino after lunch, which I never do of course, but nice to know that I could), but this also means I continue to offend other Italians since he doesn't correct me, with my uncovered table and my browsing in shops (yes, you should know before you go in what you want, and if you dare to try things on without purchasing, prepare for an earful). One of the hardest things for me to comprehend is that these aren't just 'customs', like 'this is how we do it, but we know people do it another way'. No, these are facts. I quickly learned you can't argue these points, because to Italians there is a scientific basis for not drinking milk in your coffee after lunch or swimming in a lake; and when you think it's safe to have a fun cultural laugh - it's not, it will be like you're questioning the positioning of the sun (ahem Copernicus).
The Rule of (un)Law: What makes this all more funny (to me, not to Italians) is the fact that as strict as Italians are about cultural rules, there is a practically a cultural edit to get around the law. This takes many forms - 1) driving- which I've told you about before and how fun it can be as a transplant since apparently you don't have to learn the rules cause the whole point is to break them - good times, that is, until they're not; 2) taxes - you may have heard about Italy's financial woes, well it has a bit to do with the fact that Italians are very creative about paying them and not because they don't like obeying the law (they love rules!) but because they know their government isn't following the rules about how they use their taxes, so why should they willingly hand over their money. As further evidence I pay my rent of over 1000 euro per month in cash and have signed a contract saying I live here for free as a result of a new law requiring Italians to claim their income in more detail; 3) police - to shorten this story, I'll just give you two examples, Amanda Knox and the Monster of Florence, both of which (without talking about guilt) don't make me eager to deal with the Italian justice system.
So after pondering this, I found my answer - Italians are the fathers of the renaissance (science, art, fashion, etc.) and their traditions have made them who they are. Americans are the fathers of Revolution (yeah I went there) and freedom runs deep through the veins of all that we do (pls see Jell-O, Hamburger Helper, KrisKross, etc.). And yet - Italians have learned that survival means getting around the rules (laws) and Americans while we may cling to freedom, the one rule we have may be order (yeah, do not stand up before the plane has reached the gate; and yes, there is a line here) and while we might complain, for the most part we believe in the following and functioning of a system that we created by uprising. So to break it down for you = Italians love rules but don't follow laws; Americans don't believe in rules (acc)except when they are laws.
And with that, yes I recently bought some placemats and cringed when the stall owner called them American tablecloths.
Love it! Agree about the rules thing. I'm sure there are some rules in the UK but I can't really think of any off the top of my head. (Brussels was another story. You're not supposed to eat between 2-6pm, you never order off the menu, no take-away coffee EVER)
ReplyDeleteWell summarized! And you'd be proud, I ate a shrimp and pasta dinner last night and when the waitress asked if I wanted parmesan I scoffed and said you can't put cheese on fish. :)
ReplyDeleteI got your rules right here.
ReplyDelete